:) Humor (:

Humor    J 

Kids Humor -- PDF Version

Other Humor -- PDF Version


These things I have spoken to you
that my joy may be in you,
and your joy may be full.

~~  John 15:11 ~~

                                        Kids Humor   


Kids in Church
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had enough of his antics. 

"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." 

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. 

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

Source:  http://www.beliefnet.com/Entertainment/Joke-of-the-Day/Daily-Joke.aspx 

Pocket Change

A small boy stunned his parents when they came home after church when he began to empty his pockets of nickels, dimes and quarters. Finally his mother asked the obvious question, "Where did you get all that money?" 

"At church," the boy replied nonchalantly. "They have bowls of it."

Source:  http://www.beliefnet.com/Entertainment/Joke-of-the-Day/Daily-Joke.aspx  (edited)

Crossing the Red Sea 

Little Danny rushes home from church, grabs his Daddy by the leg and yells, "That story of Moses and all those people crossing the Red Sea was great!"

His father looks down, smiles, and asks Danny to tell him all about it.

"Well, Moses was a big strong man and he beat Pharaoh up.  Then while he was down, Moses got all the people together and they ran towards the sea. 

"The Israelites got out of Egypt, but Pharaoh and his army chased after them.  So they ran as fast as they could until they got to the Red Sea.

“The Egyptian Army was gettin' closer and closer. So Moses got on his walkie-talkie and told the Israeli Air Force to bomb the Egyptians.

“While that was happening, the Israeli Navy built a pontoon bridge so the people could cross over.  

“Once Moses and the Israelites got safely to the other side, they blew up the bridge while the Egyptians were trying to cross."

By now, Daddy is shocked. "Is THAT the way the teacher taught you the story?"

“Well, no, not exactly," Danny admits, "but you'd never believe the story she DID tell us!"

Red Sea Miracle

"Wow!" Timmy said. "God parted the Red Sea and let all His people through on dry ground!"

"Sorry," said the 'biblical' scholar.  "But that wasn't the Red Sea; it was the Reed Sea.  And its water is only about 1 foot deep.  No miracle was involved."

"Oh," said Timmy.  

Then, reading on a little more, he said, "Wow! What a miracle! God drowned all those Egyptians in 1 foot of water!"


After the dedication of his baby brother in church, Jason was sobbing on the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "The preacher said he wanted us to be brought up in a good Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys."

 A  boy, visiting the U.S. Senate with his father, asked him,  
"What does the Chaplain of Congress do?"
The father answered, "He stands up, looks at Congress, --- and prays for the country."

~~ Holy Humor, p. 6 ~~

Three families sat down to eat dinner. The hostess said to her young daughter, "Honey, would you say the blessing for us?"

"I don't know," said the youngster. "I don't know what to say."

"Just say what you've heard Mommy say," responded her mother.

"Okay," she said. "Dear God, why did I invite all these people over?"

~~ Holy Humor ~~

A teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "Why must we be very quiet in church?"

Little Johnny replied, "Because people are sleeping."

From Dust to Dust

After church, Robbie tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister right away. They agree and the pastor greets the family.

"Pastor," Robbie says, "I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust."

"That's right, Johnny, I did.""And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust."

"Yes, I'm glad you were listening. Why do you ask?"

"Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed 'cause there's someone either comin' or goin'

Palm Sunday

It was Palm Sunday and, because of strep throat, five-year-old Nathan had to stay home from church with a baby-sitter. When the family returned home carrying palm branches, he asked what they were for.

"People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by," his older brother Mark explained.

 "Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed.
"The one week I don't go to church, He showed up!"

Where Is God?

In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whenever something went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wits' end trying to control them. Hearing about a minister nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the minister to talk with the boys. The father agreed.

The mother went to the minister and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the minister. The minister sat the boy down on the other side of his huge, impressive desk. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other.

Finally, the minister pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"

The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.

Again, louder, the minister pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"

Again the boy looked all around but said nothing.

A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the minister leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked "Where is God?"

The boy panicked and ran all the way home.

Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We are in B-I-I-I-I-G trouble now!"

The older boy asked, "What do you mean, B-I-I-I-I-G trouble?"

His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it."


                                  Other Humor  

Forgiving Your Enemies

While preaching about forgiving ones enemies, the preacher asked for a show of hands of those who were willing to forgive their enemies. About half of the congregation raised their hands.

The minister continued his sermon and again asked for a show of hands. This time, 80 percent of his congregation raised their hands.

Not giving up, the minister continued for fifteen more minutes. When he again asked for a show of hands, all members—except one—raised their hands.

"Mr. Jones,” asked the minster, “are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”

"I don't have any.”

Mr. Jones, that is very unusual. I know you are 86-years-old. Would you please come down to the front and explain to all of us how you have lived so long without making a single enemy in the world?”

Mr. Jones teetered to the front and briefly explained, “I’ve outlived them all.”

Source:  http://www.beliefnet.com/Entertainment/Joke-of-the-Day/Daily-Joke.aspx  (edited)

Woman to Pastor:  "You don't know how much your sermons have meant to my husband since he lost his mind."
-- Holy Humor, p. 6 --

A keynote speaker at a religious convention came to the podium, shuffled his notes, scanned the audience, and said, thoughtfully:
"Where to begin?  Where to begin?"
A voice in the crowd yelled:  "As close to the end as possible!" 
-- Holy Humor, p. 5 --

 You'll Know Yours Is A Redneck Church If:

  • The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.​

  • The choir is known as the "OK Chorale". 

Acts 2:38

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening
of church services when she was startled by an intruder.

She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its
valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!"  (Repent and be
baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be

The burglar stopped in his tracks.

The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had
done.  As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked
the burglar, "Why did you just stand there?  All the old lady
did was yell a scripture to you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar.

"I thought she said she had an ax and two 38's!"


Polygamy Question 

A Mormon acquaintance once pushed Mark Twain into an argument 
on the issue of polygamy. After long and tedious expositions
justifying the practice, the Mormon demanded that Twain cite
any passage of scripture expressly forbidding polygamy.

"Nothing easier," Twain said. "No man can serve two masters."


The Atheist and the Bear 

An atheist was walking through the woods, admiring all of the "accidents" that evolution had created.  "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals", he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw the grizzly was closing.  Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run faster. He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him.

"OH MY GOD!..."

Time stopped. The bear froze.  The forest was silent.  Even the river stopped moving.


The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years....  But perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"

"VERY WELL," said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran. The sounds of the forest resumed.

Then the bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head, and prayed,  "Lord, for this food which I am about to partake, I am truly thankful. Amen."


Frog Competition

There once was a bunch of tiny frogs,
who arranged a climbing competition.

The goal was to reach the top of a very high tower.

A big crowd had gathered around the tower to see the race and
to cheer the contestants on...

The race began... 
Honestly...No one in the crowd really believed that the tiny frogs
would reach the top of the tower.

You heard statements such as:
"Oh, WAY too difficult !!"
"They will NEVER make it to the top!!" or:
"Not a chance that they will succeed. The tower is too high!!" 

So it was that many of the tiny frogs began collapsing one by one...
except for those who, with a fresh tempo, were climbing higher and higher... 

The crowd continued to yell, "It is too difficult!!!   No one will make it!!" 
More tiny frogs got discouraged and gave up...

But ONE continued higher and higher and higher...
This one wouldn't give up! 

At the end everyone had quit climbing the tower,
except for the one tiny frog who, with great effort,
was the only one who reached the top!

Then all of the other tiny frogs wanted to know
how this one frog managed to do it?

A contestant asked the tiny frog how he had found the strength
to succeed and reach the goal while everyone else gave up? 

As it turned out...
The winner was deaf !

Always think:  With God's strength... I can do this !   

The Golden Wedding Gift

The Golden Wedding Gift
by Nicky Gumbel

I heard about a couple who had been married for fifty years. It was their golden wedding anniversary. And this was a very unusual couple, because they’d argued all the way through their married life. I mean, just right from the start of the time that they got married they argued day in, day out, week in, week out, month in, month out, year in, year out!

And when it got to their fiftieth wedding anniversary, the whole family got together and they thought, you know, `What could we give this couple as a fiftieth, golden wedding anniversary present?’ And they decided the best thing that they could give them was a visit to a top consultant psychiatrist, all expenses paid.

Well, the couple argued about whether or not they should accept! They argued all the way there, and as they walked into the psychiatrist’s office they were still arguing.

The psychiatrist asked them one question— immediately they started arguing. And this top consultant psychiatrist, he said, `Stop!’ He said, `Look, I’m going to do something I have never done before in my entire professional career.’

He got up from behind his desk, he walked round the other side, and he took this little old lady in his arms and he kissed her on the lips for a very long time! And then he said to the man, `Now, that is what this woman needs — three times a week.’

And the man scratched his head and he said, `Okay, doctor, if that’s what you say, I’ll bring her in Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays.’

                                   Church Bulletin Bloopers  

During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church.
Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.
Don't forget your husbands."

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again", giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 p.m.
The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight.
Come and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa. 

" For those who have children and don't know it, there is a nursery downstairs."

"The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession."

"The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment."

"Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers."

"The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her."

" Please welcome Pastor Don, a caring individual who loves hurting people."

" Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child."

"Ushers will eat latecomers."

"Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire. Bring your own hot dogs and guns.
Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time."

"The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir."

"Thursday night — Potluck Supper.  Prayer and medication to follow."

"This evening at 7 pm there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church.
Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin."

"Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get."

"Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days."

"Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones."

"National Prayer & Fasting Conference: The cost for attending the Prayer & Fasting Conference includes meals."

"At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our bell choir practice."

"When parking on the north side of the church, please remember to park on an angel.



 These things I have spoken to you
that my joy may be in you,
and your joy may be full.

~  John 15:11 ~